How He Feels
by TwiFii
Summary: We all know how broken Bella was when Edward left... but what's his side of the story? R&R. Pre-Eclipse and Breaking Dawn
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: **

**We all know how dispirited Bella was when Edward left her. But how did Edward feel without Bella? This story takes place in New Moon... and it's written in Edward's perspective of the time that he was away from Forks...and the love of his life.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight-as much as I want to, I don't**

**Reviews are highly appreciated so that I can improve my next one-shot or story.**

**Enjoy,**

**TwiFii**

_"You...don't...want me?" _

It had been over three months since I'd even seen Bella, but her words still rung as clearly as the day she'd spoken them to me in my head.

Sometimes I hated my photographic memory. Why was it that I could not just forget about her and move on? After all, I had survived over a hundred years without the faintest clue of her existence... so what made a difference now?

Of course. Because I loved her.

Bella... just the utterance of that name made my motionless heart clench with agonizing pain.

I could still remember her so vividly-even though I didn't want to. In fact, it was all I could do these days; stay holed up in my room yearning for Bella. If I were human, I would have cried all my tears dry before falling into a deep sleep-no, a nightmare. But because I was not human, I could was trapped forever in a world of never ending torture.

Everything I had enjoyed and loved most in life was gone.

No more could I listen to her strong heartbeat or inhale my dead lungs full of her intoxicating fragrance. Never again would I see the blood creep up to her cheeks-see them flush with embarrassment or pleasure. Those soulful brown eyes would never light up when catching site of me before.

Before I had met Bella, I had not been looking for love. I had never felt jealous of the rest of my family, and had not minded being the odd one out. I had never craved for a relationship. The joy of my life was music-and the humans didn't provide much of a good variety depending on which decade it belonged to. Mingling with other students at school, but never socializing with anyone outside my family. I hunted when it was necessary, but never gave it much thought.

After several decades, the word 'vampire' no longer affected me in such a way it had when I had been young. I no longer loathed the word as much as I had. No, I did not -could not- embrace it welcomingly, but I had accepted it as who I was. I was a bloodsucking creature, one of many that roamed the world, living amongst humans but not really entering their worlds. I had a wonderful family, lived an uninterrupted life and still managed to survive in peace with humans. I had never been overjoyed, but was content with my lifestyle.

Then, an year ago, Bella had walked into my life, changing it beyond no return.

She was so different from everything that I'd known.

Firstly, there had been her blood: the sweetest thing I had ever smelt in my whole life. It had driven me mad... I had wanted to suck up every drop of it until she became a bloodless corpse. After nearly a century of resistance, one girl had gotten me very close to falling off the wagon. I fought with myself day and night, trying to lock up the creature inside me and throw the keys away. I had loathed her for awakening the demon inside me-she was like the messenger from hell sent to damn me.

But as time passed, I realized that she was not the monster-and that I was. It was not her fault that she had crossed paths with one of the most dangerous creatures prowling around on Earth.

Bella was strange. I was so sure that she would be perceptive enough to notice how the entire human population at school avoided us like the plague. I was right: she had. But instead of getting repelled by our alienness, she treated me the way she treated everyone else. She was never afraid of showing her emotions to me or her human friends-either that or she could not help it. Never had I seen a person with such an animated face.

The fact that I could not read her thoughts did not help. That made Bella like an open book... only its text was written in invisible ink. That aroused my curiosity, and I fought with not only the vampire that was threatening to tear its way out, but also my inquisitiveness. After I had to locked horns with the devil more than enough times, I decided that one conversation with her would not hurt.

Oh how wrong I had been.

Before I knew it, I got caught up in the whirlwind of her chaotic world. She was a danger magnet, and for some reason -unknown at that certain time- I felt that it was my responsibility to keep her safe; to protect her.

The strange thing was that I had not wanted to escape from it-even if it meant that I would have to risk getting myself discovered. Bella had me dancing around in her hand, and she hadn't even known it. Rosalie would have taken advantage of me, make me act like her personal little hound- that much, I was sure. I would have traded off anything just to have one carefree exchange with her, without having to worry about slipping out anything that could endanger her life or having to battle with the beast within me.

And for the first time in my life, I wished that I was human.

Eventually, she had found out what I was.

I had let my guard down too much around her. Never had I suspected that an innocent girl who had suggested that I had been bitten by a radioactive spider get my identity correct. Of course, the legends down at La Push were to blame as well, but not as much as I had to blame myself. I thought that she would be repulsed by what I was, and never ever want to have anything to do with me again. Maybe it had been better that way.

But Bella had told me that it had not mattered what I was. She opened her arms wide to embrace me for what I was. Not once did she flinch when I told her about how much I yearned for her blood. Her questions were always so pure and strange that they never ceased to amaze me. Whenever she detected that I did not want to talk about something, she urged me to talk to her about it-that it would make me feel better if I did. She was right.

Somewhere along the road, I had fallen in love with Bella Swan.

My family was torn over whether to approve of Bella or not. They wanted me to be happy, but they were also worried. Every day, I would hear their thoughts-their concern for me. Even Rosalie, whom I was not as close to as the rest of the coven, was anxious for me. However, their opinions meant nothing. Bella was my world, and I would have happily followed her to the depths of hell-not that she would ever go there, being so virtuous and moral.

Then, one night, I heard her say that she loved me in her sleep.

Intense affection that I had never felt for anyone before blazed through my body, warming up my icy cold skin on the inside. She had said the words that mattered most to me.

Bella brought a lot of excitement into our life. Carlisle, Alice and Esme were delighted that I had finally made up my mind to bring her home. They fussed over her, preparing themselves for her visit that Alice foresaw. Jasper and Emmett were a little reluctant at first, but gradually warmed up to her-Emmett actually liked all the trouble that followed her into our home. Only Rosalie did not sway, and even she did not lash out at Bella as much as I had predicted.

James was the first threat we faced. But as they say, 'love is strong' and we overcame the barrier. The site that I had witnessed in the ballet studio would forever stay engraved in my mind. Each second not knowing whether Bella would breathe again had felt like eternity. I had been ecstatic when she had opened her eyes again in the hospital. She was bruised and battered, but she was alive-both inside and out. She was fragile, but she was still standing.

When I had left Bella back then, I had broken her. Shattered her life into a million shards; left her bleeding. The emotion I had seen in her eyes made me want to kill myself right there and then.

_"If thats what you want,"_ she had murmured, unable to look me straight in the eye when I had told her that I no longer wanted her. It was as though with my answer, I had distinguished the flame of her entire life.

To tell the truth, I was shocked and hurt.

After all those thousands of times I had told her how much I loved her, how could she allow one word to believe that I truly didn't want her any more? I had thought that I would have to lie through my teeth for ages to even plant a seed of doubt into her mind. Instead, one word, "no", did the job for me.

But from the look in her eyes, I could tell she honestly convinced that I no longer needed her.

Silly Bella. I would always long for her. No one would be able to replace the part of my heart that I had left behind with her.

It had been so long since I'd left her, but I still wasn't sure whether I had made the right decision. Bella had wanted me-even I knew that. But what she wanted and what she needed were two completely different things.

Weren't they?

I craved for Bella every second-no, nanosecond- of my existence. Everything move I made, everything I did reminded me of my darling. If I could have dreamed, it would have been of her.

The reason why I did not return to her was because I was sure that, by now, Bella had moved on. I didn't want to ruin the life that she had built up from scratch again. Or at least, that was what I tried to convince myself. If I had it my way, where things weren't half as complicated, I would run all the way back to Forks and throw myself at her feet. Beg and plead for forgiveness. I was sure that even the mere presence of her would help ease the burning pain in my chest.

So why didn't I go back and make up with Bella?

Because I was afraid. It was a childish and cowardly, but I was more intimidated than I ever had been. What if she said no?

That would finish me off. The unbearable pain that I was feeling right now would be nothing compared to getting rejected by the love of my life. She had every right to do so-after what I had done to her-, but I didn't want her to. If she did, I would resort to my last option-going to the Volturi to get myself killed. That would get Bella off my mind and me off hers (if I were there).

Losing Bella did not mean that I had lost my common sense. Of course, I did not mention this to anyone in my family, for I was sure that they would never allow me. They would go to Volterra and start a fight. I had hurt enough people already-and I wasn't ready to have my family next in line.

I felt a dull flare inside my throat.

How long had it been since I last fed? I had lost my appetite completely and had hardly even stepped out of my room-let alone the house. Jasper and Alice had all but tried to soothe me and kick me out of the house to hunt. Emmett had even attempted to carry me out and leave me in the forest. They had been very surprised when I had roared and nearly attacked them.

Dark spots started to appear in my vision, blocking out the boring white walls that loomed around me. Perhaps this was for the better. A world without Bella was a world without light. The spots grew larger and larger, covering up more and more of my view. My head spun, the way a human's would if they had a headache or nausea. The throb that was suffocating me grew into the size of a tennis ball and I could no longer breathe.

"Bella... I'm so sorry..." I whispered, before unconsciousness took over my body, relieving me from the torture I had been feeling for so long.

**Hope you liked it:**

**Please Review!!**


	2. AN

**Hello **readers,

I just wanted to mention that** Take a Walk in My Large Shoes** is finally out!

**Take a Walk in My Large Shoes** is New Moon, in Jacob's POV. If you like both Edward and Jacob, then I am sure that you will enjoy it immensly.

**What She Saw **is an one-shot that I am currently working on, in Alice's POV. _Summary: Alice's POV of New Moon. How does it feel to be ripped from your best friend, move away from what you thought was home and have a family that is falling apart? _

Cheers,

_TwiFii_


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